I don't understand what it is he wants from me or what he expects to get out of our newly established relationship (a relationship I don't even know how to label. It's like... are we friends or like... aquaintances?, even do we know each other very well from before? Or are we still hopelessly in love? There's definitly something between us but I don't know if it's real or just old feelings rising to the surface once again). Argh. I'm SO confused and right now I just wish he'd had the kindness to stay gone and not reappear and make my head spin off my shoulders with thoughts and questions about us and the future, that has no answears!

I mean. Somewhere in my mind I KNOW this will never happen. Life isn't a fairytale where everything works out great and you get to find your lost love again and just continue on like nothing's ever happened. I KNOW this. That it'll never be me and him (again).

And yet. Still. I can't get him or the idea of us two together out of my head.

How pathetic (and meaningless) isn't that?

Maybe I'll just skip the whole thing and instead go to the gym, buy som candy on the way home and watch the latest two episodes of Supernatural that I haven't seen yet! That's more of my way to celebrate anyway haha.

Other plans for today is visiting Susan, the lovely woman that made my latest tattoo, and make som small adjustments. And I would really like to pick up some pink color for my hair too, but I've made myself the promise not to bleach and or colour my hair before June so I MUST try to resist! It has already been through so much, it needs to be left alone for a while.

Also, got an E-mail confirming my place at the bartender academy in March, so in just a little over 1½ month I will be working one of my dream jobs. Feels absolutely fuckin fantastic. Have really been missing working at clubs <3

Ok just realized I'm running really late. Shit shit shit. It's not easy running to the train when it's like 2 inches of snow outside.

I started school about three weeks ago and so far i am actually enjoying it and keeping up. Probably because it's a course i've wanted to be in for almost two years (the course is sign language) so i'm trying real hard not to give in to my social anxiety and that little voice in the head that says it's unnecessary work because i will never be able to get a job where i would be able to use it. It's hard to live with all these doubts about what you are capable of.

Beyond that it hasn't really been going on anything big that's worth writing about. January is always a really slow and dead-boring month. Life is kind of always on hold during winter because there's not much to do when it's -15 degrees celsius outside and about 10 inches of snow on the ground.

I long after March when spring will come (and my 22th birthday!).

Anyway, just wanted to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas! Hope you get what you wished for!

(We're about 9 hours ahead of you guys here in Sweden so I guess it's still the 22 in the US)

I'm so glad I'm in Sweden right now where Christmas is celebrated on the 24th coz' I really don't think I would be able to wait a day longer. I'm SO excited! This will be the 3rd Christmas med and Josef (bf) will spend together and I have a feeling this one will be the best one yet! We've already put all the present under the small christmas tree I have in my apartment (since we always celebrate at my place for som reason) so I've spent a couple of moments today starring at them wondering what's inside. There is quite a lot of them and I can't wait 'till it's time to open them so I get to know what Josef will think of his! <3

Here's a pic of the tree;

 
(unfortunatley you can't see all the presents coz there was so many we had to pile dom in front of each other!)

Anyway, been thinkin about startin' up again. Would be good for practising my english skillz which right now is like.. non-existing lol. Besides, the few people I actually do know is hangin around here are so fab that I think it will probably be worth it. Quality before quantity, as they say you know! ;)

A friend told me earlier today about Brittany Murphys death and i was SO chocked and upset!
I've been a fan of hers for several years and I think she was absolutely awesome. Seriously, one of the most beautiful women in the world. Especially loved her characters in films like Spun, Riding in cars with boys, Don't say a word and such.

So many talented young people have died during the last two years, I'm hoping this will be the end of it.

Predominantly this has actually been quite a good day. All thou I missed the first lesson no one of the teachers said anything 'bout it. I think it's because all of them really like me, so they kind of let me do my own thing, as long as my absence isn't sky high.

Spent a lot of time hangin out in the couches with Zoran, Martin, Jonas, Goran, Mecan and Max. Zoran has quickly become one of my favorite persons in class lately. Under that thug-style of his he's really intelligent which is not to comon in my school.... and on top of that he's really funny, kind and generous. And he look's good to. lol. (But he's not my type of man so don't go gettin any ideas now ok)

Youssef's fallen asleep on my bed, not sure if maybe I should wake him up and tell him to go and sleep in his own room so I with good conscious can make a little more noise, or just let him sleep. Will probably go with option number two. I wold feel really bad if I woke him up and he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. No then it's just better that I keep my music down.

Got 5 different emails today about modeling but I think I've decided just to accept three of them, cause the last two felt kind of.. well to be totally honest, boring. The ones I'm going to accept will probably be really fun shooting, cuz they all have themes I'd wan't to do for quite some time. 

Ah fuck it this will have to be enough for today. Even if I can't get sleep I should make sure to at least get some rest. Over and out people.

Found this communitie by coincidence and since there's mostly people from the US that hangs around here and I'm getting really bored and tired of Sweden and it's people I thought it could be fun joining and perhaps on that way meet some new nice people. However, so far, there's been little action.

Haven't managed to learn how everything works yet, which is a little irritating.

Ah well, everything takes time I suppose. If you've got any good tips for a "noob" like me, you're more than welcome to share them haha.